Man, oh man.
I wonder if Scott knows how much he was going to challenge us all when he created the writing prompts for The 2015 Start-A-Blog Dream Job Challenge? Last week’s prompt pushed me to explore one of the more uncomfortable areas of my psyche (as I’m sure you can tell from the post), and today’s starter moves me completely off the map.
What’s one thing I’m proud of?
If “Pride goeth before the fall.” I must be really afraid of falling because pride is a really uncomfortable feeling for me – always has been.
There are some things in my life that I’m proud of which immediately come to mind:
I’m proud of both my kids – for the people they are and the people they’re becoming.
I’m proud of my wife – for reinventing herself after our kids started at school, finding her passion and carving it into a successful career.
I’m proud of my sister – for refusing to listen to other people over the call of her own soul, and being for brave enough to take giant steps into creating a life that is truly her own.
But I’m sure you can see the theme, and the problem. These are all other people that I’m proud of. And although I may have had some influence on them and their actions, my pride, in this case, is externally directed.
That comes easily for me. Too easily.
It’s the looking inward and finding something about myself that I’m proud of that makes me want to get up to get another cup of coffee and avoid facing the question.
Don’t get me wrong, I have been and seen and done and experienced many things over the course of my 46 years which I should (which I WANT to) be proud of. Distilling them into a list, though, brings on the old Inner Voice – “So what? Anyone could have done that.” “Really? You’re proud of that – even though someone else did half the work?”
And so on.
As a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP – both a description and a diagnosis) I prefer to be in the background. The spotlight makes me uncomfortable, so I’m more likely to be found leaving the centre stage for the comfort of the wings to cheer others on when there’s praise to be given.
(I will write more about being an HSP man as this blog continues to unroll.)
So it seems to me that what I need to find within is something that I can be proud of, which no-one (not even myself!) can shoot down, debate, or take away from me.
And there is something lurking down there. It’s so simple that I didn’t even recognise it at first. And the more I look at it, its simplicity is what gives it power.
I’m proud for surviving. For still being here and not having given up (and checked out!) somewhere along the path that has led me to this point.
Inner Voice? Hello? No answer?? Now, that’s what I’m talking about!
Maybe, if I can start from here, over time, I can examine and show off other elements of my life and my being that I want to be proud of.
For today, however, this is enough.
[image source: Trond Kristiansen – WallpapersWide.com]